can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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