Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
