oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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