OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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