Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
