This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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