I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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