i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
its liver damage thursday
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