We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
