So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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