i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
