I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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