It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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