you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She's the barista slut.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
