thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
