Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
it wasn't lemon gatorade
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
