Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
