apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
