my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
