Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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