Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
