So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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