i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
