Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
