R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
