Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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