Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
