Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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