i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
