i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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