I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
