he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Welp...herpes.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
