I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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