Soap is not a condiment
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
