I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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