There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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