i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
