I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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