I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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