From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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