was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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