Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
