She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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