Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
