I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
