I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
