My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
