At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
