trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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