I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
